I recently purchased a journal book titled, “A Grandmother’s Life, which I am currently filling in with the hopes to give it to my adorable granddaughter, Avaya, one day.
With the always-present fear of developing the dreadful disease my mother suffered from, Alzheimer’s, I thought it might be prudent of me to compile some memories for Avaya now while I am still vertical and cognizant.
One of the prompts, (on page 11 mind you), stopped me in my tracks! The question asked, “Who in your family is the black sheep, or the one no one likes to talk about?” I thought it was quite the leading and assuming question. As if every family had a black sheep. What kind of a question is that to put in a journal intended for a child to read about? Sadly, of course, I did have one or two to write about.
Anyway, a much more poignant and relevant prompt, somewhere on page 20, got me thinking much deeper thoughts. It asked, “What have you learned about life from your mother and father?”
How do you put down onto one page all the life lessons your parents imparted to you over the years? How do you summarize a lifetime of achievements and heartbreak?
You begin.
My father died at the age of 65 twenty-six years ago from cancer. My mother died at the age of 80 only seven years ago from Alzheimer’s. Aside from the lesson of taking better care of my health than they sometimes did, in short, everything that I am today is because of them.
My father taught me that family is everything; that you can tell a lot about a person by their handshake; that education, hard work, and personal accountability weren’t obstacles but necessities for success; that sometimes promises came with strings attached; and to always say “I love you” before you go to sleep.
My mother taught me what motherhood was – how it sounded and felt like, with her discipline and her hugs; how it tasted and smelled like, with her yummy cooking and dedication to holiday gatherings; and mostly how motherhood looked like – it looked of love and warmth.
My mother taught me to be a strong and independent woman, to believe in myself and how to say “no”. My mother showed me all the ups and downs of a marriage; things I would do differently. But one of her most important lessons to me was in how she lovingly cared for my father as he was dying.
I had almost twenty years more with my mother than with my father. I got to know her in a different way as I grew older. To sum up my amazing mother, I can relay our last real conversation that we shared in the early morning the day before she passed.
It was very early in the morning, just before the hospital would be releasing her to hospice care, and I was sitting at her bedside. She popped straight up in bed, with such clarity and awareness. We talked for about fifteen minutes, and after she had answered my question that, yes, she was proud of me, I asked her another deep question. I asked her if she was scared to die? And her answer pretty much sums up my mother – her personality, her humor, her bluntness. She said, “No, I’m not scared, I’m just annoyed!”
We shared a chuckle, and many tears and hugs. Then she drifted back to sleep.
So, I guess, I learned the necessary parts of life from my father and mother. The loving parts of life I have learned from my best friend and husband, Gary, and of course, the happiest parts from my amazing sons.
My father was right, family is everything.
And now that little Avaya is part of our family, I hope to learn from her what being a grandmother is all about.